Sexual Abuse & Trauma
Merin* comes from a loving, stable Christian home. Her friends dote on her and her church loves her. None would have imagined that a girl from a safe family could experience the depth of trauma she had endured. While in college, she fell in love with a man who indicated faith in Christ. He was devoted to her and over a period of a year got acquainted with her and each other’s friends and family. Once he won her trust and devotion, the sexual abuse began. On the pretext of caring for her, he would frequently corner her in dark alleys and taxis and seek sexual favours from her. Merin was deeply wounded but since she considered the relationship consensual, she would give in to keep peace and maintain the friendship. Yet deep inside herself, she was cracking. She felt invaded, tormented, hurt, and trapped in a dark hole. Her boyfriend slowly began to gain control over her body and mind, threatening punishment, cussing, and verbally assaulting her for non-conformance. The sexual abuse including verbal and emotional abuse continued for nearly a year after which, she mustered up the courage to break up the relationship. But the pain was far from over. Her deepest fears came alive. Being a charismatic personality, he won the favour of friends and carefully crafted a narrative that made him look like the messiah, and her the witch in the equation. Slowly her friends maligned her good reputation and alienated her. She felt choked and help seemed distant. Public and private places alike became torture chambers. Soon, the demons outside invaded her sleep as well -nightmares of sexual abuse and assault impregnated her sleep, following which she developed panic attacks. Sleep left her, she despised food and of life itself. She felt the only way to end this torturous cycle was to end her existence, but her attempts were in vain. It was at this time that she decided to seek help outside her circle through biblical counseling.
In biblical counseling, we worked together on first separating the true and false guilt by helping her see that what she went through was not a consensual relationship but sexual abuse. Part of the agony of her trauma was that she saw herself equally responsible and guilty of the sexual sins, and that cycle of thinking trapped her with no path of escape. Secondly, Merin began to see that traumatic events left an imprint on her body and her brain to remain on high alert at all times. The brain trusts no one and keeps crying foul even when there is no wolf. “Protect, danger, cover!”, on and on, the brain’s alarm kept ringing, invading even her sleep and life routine. Hence the constant state of fear and panic. We worked through inner man and outer man patterns that kept her in the cycle of trauma and worked to break that cycle. Thirdly, we worked through God’s sure and steadfast love for her as a child of God, and how this loving Father fiercely safeguards and protects His children, even in the midst of evil. We also looked at how God works in and through all the evil that happens in our life and why God permits such evil. Merin had to work everyday and every moment on her real and unreal fears, tracking their source and fighting her patterns through faith in God. Within a few weeks, Merin began experiencing the healing grace of her Heavenly Father. She still struggles, still wrestles, but she has found a safe place in God from where she can wage her battles. Some like Merin heal faster, for some others the healing is slow and works in trickles. Yet in Christ, we can experience substantial healing and hope especially from sexual abuse and trauma. Read Merin’s own words of her journey so far:-
“A default setting of running away from my problems changed to running to comfort when I finally decided to face my problems head on. Through biblical counseling, I was reminded of who the God I trust in is, his love and mercy. I needed Him to work in me and heal me. God wanted me to run to Him for comfort, lean on Him because He was all I needed and He would never disappoint me. This He made explicit when He physically distanced me from my ‘go-to’ people when I needed to be the most vulnerable and open, re-live everything so that Shammi could help me better and shortly after speak with my parents to help them understand my trauma better. God is gracious. I learned to call Him with all my heart ‘Father’, I learned (and still continue to learn) to lean on to Him as my strength and refuge, love Him and be loved by Him. But, He wasn’t done with me yet. My thoughts shifted from the shame of my past to the unworthiness of receiving love. My Father who created me, saved me and continued to help me walk in His grace, loved me and I knew that. But, why did all the other people love me, especially those who knew how royally I had messed up? Questions inquiring my well-being felt more real and I couldn’t account any of this love I was receiving to my achievements, works or even duty. I felt undeserving of it all and it made me all the more pour it out to my Lord in prayer in thanksgiving and praise. How good He is and how present He is. This was grace in the most tangible form that I had ever felt in my life. Knowing that in comparison to His immeasurable love for me this love that made me bow in tears was but a small speck, I am moved to worship Him more and love Him more.” Praise be to God and God alone for the powerful work!
*real Name concealed
Hope is here.
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